This is Really Funny

bob_2 · 03-11-09 8:33 pm

Didn't think someone had started a thread with this title yet so here goes: <img src="http://www.atomorrow.net/discus/messages/13/766.jpg" alt=""> Weird happenings in St. Louis, or a weird statue to a new god, eh, Neal???

john8verse32 · 03-12-09 1:38 pm

you, yourself posted to the already existing "funny" thread here: <a href="http://www.atomorrow.net/discus/messages/22/434.html?1236519182" target=_top>http://www.atomorrow.net/discus/messages/22/434.ht ml?1236519182</a>

elaine · 03-12-09 6:41 pm

A recent survey of religious beliefs showed: The only group that grew in every U.S. state since the 2001 survey was people saying they had "no" religion; the survey says this group is now 15 percent of the population ... this group is likely responsible for the shrinking percentage of Christians in the United States. Our question is: why? Outsourcing. It’s cheaper to hire people in India to believe for us.

bob_2 · 03-13-09 5:30 pm

Evangelicalism and antinomianism will lead to rejection of the system, in my opinion. NCT keeps the Law of Christ as taught by the NT in place as the guide to living, not just the Spirit within.

renie · 03-14-09 5:55 pm

Outsourcing. It's cheaper to hire people in India to believe for us........ That's a good one, Elaine. A couple of reasons I think religion is on the decline. 1. The Lord has waited so long. 2. Tele-evangelists make Christianity look so rediculous. 3. We have cried 'the soon coming of the Lord' too long. 4. So much of what we believe doesn't fit in this time in history. renie

george · 03-14-09 10:30 pm

Irene, Certainly SDA theology is based in the 19th century and doesn't want to budge out of it no matter what. And that's because EGW "saw" everything in terms of her own 19th century culture. And that's not so funny. (Message edited by sirje on March 14, 2009)

elaine · 03-14-09 11:06 pm

Christians "believe" in believing. When asked, they will respond "Yes, I believe----" But how many are able to name even half of the Ten Commandments, can name the four Gospels, can name more than 2 (if that many) OT patriarchs? How many can name more than two books of the Bible, read it regularly, know what is the difference between the "Old" and "New" Testaments? Most, truth be told, are biblical illiterates.

renie · 03-15-09 1:31 pm

You'll like this one, Elaine. George Carlin asks the question. "What's so new about the New Testament? It's thousands of years old. It should be called the Lesser Old Testament." renie

neal · 05-27-09 8:16 am

I thought I would post this in the VERY funny thread instead of the just 'Funny' thread: <blockquote>HOW TO IRRITATE AN ATHEIST 281 tricks to irritate an atheist Some foolproof methods to irritate your favorite atheist. Just be careful how you use them, or you may start wondering why the atheist is strangling you. 1) Ask them why they are bitter against God. 2) Tell them that if there's no God, they might as well go out and kill people. 3) Ask them to pray with you. 4) Invite their children to go to church with you. 5) Insist that there is a God, and show them where in the Bible it says so. 6) Hide Chick tracts in clever places around their office. 7) Tell them that the universe is too complex to "just exist," and must have been created by a God who "just exists." 8) Make up statistics. 9) End a discussion with "Well, I know you're smarter than I am, but I know I'm right." 10) Accuse them of persecuting you. 11) Bring up arguments that make no sense whatsoever; criticze their response with "You're just not making sense." 12) Use multiple versions of Pascal's Wager as though you thought them up yourself. 13) Use the Second Law of Thermodynamics to disprove evolution. 14) Post inane arguments on the Internet, and never follow up on them. 15) Say that seperation of church and state isn't in the Constitution; insist that the Constitution is based on the Ten Commandments. 16) Cite Kent Hovind as a legitimate source of information. 17) ...and call him "Dr. Hovind." 18) Tell them they know in their hearts that God exists. 19) Point out that we all take things on faith. 20) Before starting an argument, say "You're an atheist? That means you're going to hell!" 21) After losing the argument say, "I pity you." 22) Accuse them of willfully ignoring the "obvious truth." 23) Use bad math to back up your claims. 24) Drink the last beer in the fridge. 25) ...and buy natural light to replace it. 26) Witness for Jesus, and completely ignore anything your competition says. 27) Call him a meanie. 28) Tell him you don't care what you say or prove, you will still have your faith. 29) When given a Bible verse that looks bad, tell him that's what the verse says, but that's not what it means. 30) Argue that the Bible stories are not myths . . . they're parables. And they're all true! 31) Lead off your criticism of the Big Bang theory with the disclaimer that you're not a physicist like he is. 32) Lead off your suggestions for ways to prove that Noah's Flood occured with the disclaimer that you're not a geologist like he is. 33) Overwhelm him with your knowledge of science, using examples: "And because of entropy you have to press the nozzle on the spray can. The nozzle is entropy." 34) Use Latin a lot. 35) Maintain that the King James Version is THE Bible; ignore questions as to who was saved prior to 1611. 36) Tell him that Moses wrote the Books of Moses. 37) Explain that the lack of proof doesn't mean it didn't happen. 38) ...and give him a blank look when he says that all people tried for a crime would go to jail. 39) Blame absolutely everything wrong in society on evolution. 40) Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true. 41) Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true. 42) Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true. 43) Tell him that he acknowledges Christ every time he uses "A.D." -- which, of course, stands for "After Death." 44) Accuse him of being an agnostic, since he isn't 100% positive that God does not exist. 45) Insist that the Bible is meant to be taken literally -- all except that verse he just showed you. 46) Tell him that God works in mysterious ways. 47) ...and we're too small to comprehend his reasoning. 48) ...and we shouldn't think of him as "how he should be." 49) Point out that the fact that he talks about God so much proves God's existence. 50) Tell him you know God exists because Mount Everest exists. 51) If a plane crashes killing 300 passengers and crew, but one little girl survives with only third-degree burns, tell him that this miracle proves the existence of God. 52) Insist that Noah's Ark and the Shroud of Turin are real. 53) ...and tell him about the special on FOX where you saw it. 54) When he shows you a verse about genocide, ask him how he dares to question the morality of God. 55) Punch him in the face. Hard. 56) When asked to prove a statement you made, say that you already proved it. 57) Tell him that we all fall short of God's grace. 58) Insist that faith is the only logical answer. 59) No matter what he quotes from the Bible, say that it's out of context. 60) ...and when he points out that the quotes are in correct context, tell him you need to be a Christian to understand the true meaning of the Bible. 61) Tell him you must study the Bible for many years to reject Christianity. 62) ...and when he points out that you reject Islam despite never having studied the Qu'ran, say that you have faith, and faith is all you need. 63) Ask him how he knows God isn't real if he can't see the air. 64) Sigh, shake your head, and say "I just know that someday you'll need Jesus." 65) Talk about how you used to be a miserable, sinning, drug-abusing, alcoholic, sex-addicted, spouse-beating criminal until you found God. 66) Change your handle every couple weeks. 67) Knock on his door at 9:00 in the morning and offer him a pamphlet. 68) Tell him that God loves him, even if he doesn't love himself. 69) Admonish him to have sex for reproductive purposes only. 70) Tell him about Christ's plan for salvation for the billionth time. 71) Refuse to debate. 72) Name a bunch of smart Christian people. 73) ...and when he names a bunch of smart atheist people, call him stupid. 74) Attribute every apparent error in the Bible to mistranslation. 75) ...and then pull up a mistranslation from Isaiah to prove that Jesus fulfilled prophecy. 76) Burn him at the stake. 77) When shown that the Bible says that Pi=3, say that the Hebrews didn't know anything about science, so it's not their fault. 78) When shown the creation account in Genesis, insist that the Hebrews had all kinds of scientific savvy, being inspired by God. 79) Lead him on until the very last moment, then tell him no . . . not until you're married. 80) Insist that a person who makes Christianity look bad was not a True Christian. 81) Claim intellectual superiority on the grounds that only smart people read the Bible. 82) Smile smugly and tell him that there are no atheists in foxholes. 83) Quote Psalm 14:1 to him. 84) ...and then tell him that you think highly of him, and want to be his friend. 85) Give him the special gift of his very own "paraphrased" modern Bible. 86) Speak to him with a fake Austrailian accent. 87) Cite my Formatted Theology page as a collection of successful proofs for God's existence. 88) Threaten to kill yourself if he doesn't believe. 89) Equivocate scientific faith with religious faith, and conclude that, metaphysically, you are both in the same boat. 90) Claim that archaeology is proof of the Bible's truth. 91) Misconstrue logical terms in order to prove that logic does not work. 92) Claim that logic is the atheist's god. 93) Claim that atheism is not only a belief -- it's a knowledge claim. 94) Support your ludicrous contentions with "Most scholars agree that..." 95) Use only circular reasoning. 96) Claim that the atheist only uses circular reasoning. 97) Claim that circular reasoning is legitimate due to circular reasoning being legitimate. 98) Use the phrase "Hate the sin, love the sinner" as a blanket response to the notion that Christianity is at fault for something. 99) State that Christianity has done a lot of good along with all the mass murder. 100) When asked to explain a theological concept, compare it to something simple, like "water," and then misunderstand that you have incorrectly labeled the constructs of your analogy, then dismiss the whole thing with, "You've just got to have faith." </blockquote> <blockquote><a href="http://onclepsycho.canalblog.com/archives/2004/06/05/35086.html" target=_top>http://onclepsycho.canalblog.com/archives/2004/06/ 05/35086.html</a></blockquote> There are another 181 on the list... read them all at the link. I believe I have seen about 250 of the 281 used on this site!

elaine · 05-27-09 4:22 pm

And you've probably seen them here!

elaine · 05-27-09 4:29 pm

Responding to early 19th-century rumors that they drank excessively, the Supreme Court justices decided to drink nothing on conference days -- unless it was raining. At the next conference, Chief Justice John Marshall asked Joseph Story to scan the sky for signs of rain. When Story said he saw none, Marshall said: "Our jurisdiction extends over so large a territory that the doctrine of chances makes it certain that it must be raining somewhere -- let us refresh ourselves." George F. Will, today's Washington Post

pilgrim99 · 05-27-09 10:00 pm

Neal, great list. I'm surely guilty of using a few of those. Good thing that I'm not in charge of determining anyone's destiny.

bob_2 · 07-19-09 12:01 pm

This "dog" can't hunt this way: <img src="http://www.atomorrow.net/discus/messages/13/1628.jpg" alt=""> <blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!>quote:An Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into the home and outdoor deck of Nick Krupp in Racine, Wis. on Friday morning, July 17, 2009. According to a witness, the vehicle was parked in the driveway. The driver lurched the vehicle forward instead of backing out of the driveway, hitting Krupp's deck and cracking the foundation of his house. (AP Photo/Journal Times, Tom McCauley)<!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote> (Message edited by Bob_2 on July 19, 2009)

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This is Really Funny

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